New Chicago rule: No pooping at bars

Bar bathrooms are for urinating only- Chicago rule #29

It should go without saying… I thought this was an well-established and unspoken social norm here in Chicago, or you know, the world in general. But the stenches that have violated my nasal cavities recently are forcing me to jump up on the proverbial soapbox here at Chicago Rants and lay down the law. NO POOPING AT BARS.

More people need to take advice from

“Taking a dump in a bar is the equivalent of eating spinach as a kid…I will do everything in my power to avoid it.” – @MensHumor

A lot of bars around Chicago (or at least the one’s I find myself at) are those weird one-and-a-half person bathrooms that nobody really knows what do do with. You all know exactly what I’m talking about. Those bathrooms with a urinal and (sometimes) a stall that (sometimes) has a door in a bathroom that (sometimes) has a lock. Are those one-person bathrooms? or two?
When the night starts, people tend to be more polite and wait it out one at a time. But once the bar fills up, the taps start flowing, and the crowd gets drunk, people start double-teaming the john like there’s no tomorrow. Which is why there’s really only one main rule to follow in situations like those: No Pooping.

Consider this a warning everyone, future violators in my presence will be subject to an array of creative punishments.
I might do the classic sign-on-the-back prank. But rather than the traditional “kick me,” it will say something along the lines of “I just pooped.” Or I might have the house band dedicate a song out to you. I don’t know. And let’s not find out.

However, if you really, REALLY have to take the ever-so-obvious public dump at a bar, at least follow these clear “how-to” guidelines from a funny column on

And God help me, if I ever see anyone taking a piss like this…


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