Pigeons, and why they’re so damn creepy

You know what creeps me out about pigeons?
They’re creepy.
And they’re everywhere.
And they think they’re all cool and shit.
Like they’re always walking in the middle of the street, and they sit on buildings, and they sleep in bridges. They’re essentially the homeless people of the bird world.
It’s depressing. At least seagulls have the decency to isolate their loitering to abandoned parking lots, but pigeons… they’re everywhere. Why can’t they just go chill in forests or trees like a normal bird? Like, have you ever seen a pigeon in a tree?
They are never within 100 feet of a tree. It’s like pigeons are completely unaware of the concept of trees and their relation to birds. They just wander the sidewalks in cities like people. It’s like they think they’re people.
But what if they are people?
Maybe that’s why pigeons are always in cities. Like, what if that’s what happens after we die? Our soul gets trapped in a pigeon. And with our avian reincarnation we go to the nearest city to try to tell people that we died and our soul is now trapped in the body a pigeon. Like, we’re all screaming, “HELP! I USED TO BE A PERSON AND THEN I DIED AND NOW I’M A PIGEON!” but the only thing that comes out is that retarded ‘cooo…coo’ noise pigeons make.
And eventually we give up and just accept our new life as a pigeon on the streets.  And instead of spare change we ask for breadcrumbs and crackers. And everyone just looks down and away and mumbles, “no, sorry, I don’t have anything,” and we’re all like, “ok thanks anyway, well, god bless you.”

Damn. Being a pigeon is gonna suck.


  1. LOL! I’m okay with pigeons. 8> I wouldn’t want to be one though; pampered dogs have it made. If I’m reincarnating as an animal: suburban golden retriever with a rich family all the way.

    Our chunky city dwelling “pigeon” friends are actually Northern Rock Doves. (The word for “dove” and “pigeon” is the same in Spanish: paloma.) They would like some nice cliffs to live on but warm human cities and dropped fries are very accommodating. If you see “Pigeon Genius” by National Geographic channel, they are sturdy survivalists with keen memory, amazing cardio endurance and nearly 130 degree vision. They aren’t worried about us and lollygag around because they know they can get away from our slow asses. Less so for the peregrine falcon nesting in my neighborhood, which is a real threat.

  2. chicagoranter says:

    haha! I think we need more falcons around! I’ll have to check out “Pigeon Genuis” sounds pretty interesting. I once met someone that had a pigeon as a pet, one that was rescued from an alley. The thing was smart! Answered to its name, knew commands, almost like a dog haha


  1. […] expect much ‘wilderness’ to be found in Chicago. I mean, there are a lot of pigeons here (see: The Pigeon Rant), a good amount of squirrel-made roadkill, and maybe you’ll spot a coyote running across Damen […]

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